You're Pre-Approved*!

So, I'm one of the only guys in my apartment that regularly gets mail - which normally would be something that makes me excited to get the mail everyday. Who wouldn't want to get mail, right?

Well, when I see on the outside of the envelope "Dated Material - Respond Immediately" I sensed the urgency of whatever it held, so I hurried inside to carefully open it and discover a letter head with the text "YOU'RE PRE-APPROVED*" I resisted the next urge I felt, which was to crumple up the paper, blow my cold-stricken nose on it, and toss it in the garbage. To my own chagrin, I kept reading out of morbid curiosity. "No way! My very own fake credit card with MY name on it!?!? You must be insane!" I giddily add it to the collection of fake credit cards with 5555-5555-5555-5555 across it (which make great book marks by the way, and it already has your name on it!).

It seems that Visa wants to give me $350 to spend... minus $100 for an "Account Origination Fee" (read - "We like ourselves so much, that WE'LL spend your money for you!") and a $50.00 Annual Fee (read - "Nope, we're not done yet.") and an optional $20.00 for them to expedite the abominable card to your door. So... basically, I get taxed a minimum of $150.00 for being foolish enough to send this thing back in! All of this charged to the credit card before it even gets to me... at (get this) a 23.99% interest rate.

After a good laugh, I was about to throw the whole stack of dead tree into the garbage when I saw the most brilliant piece of marketing in the whole package. On the outside of the envelope to send the application back, they put "PLEASE RUSH." Man, they must think this world is full of people just WAITING to do the bidding of this company - first, they want me to sign up for one of the worst credit offers I can imagine, then on top of that, they want the US Postal Service to RUSH something?!?! These people must be closely related to the guy who puts the "Take One" sticker by the sauce packets at a fast-food joint, or the guy who puts up the 55 MPH Speed Limit sign on that long empty stretch of highway between you and your destination - they just can't seem figure out the art of "pick your battles."

So, now I'm left with a precarious decision... What exactly should I put in their envelope to send back to them? All the confetti I can fit in it? A random crayon drawing? All the used tissues from my cold this past week? Something as a token of my respect for their considerable effort to impress me? Maybe a Pass-along card? I'm open for ideas!